Why Relationships Hurt — And Why That’s Not a Problem

Dr. Susan Campbell on triggers, conflict, and the emotional skills we were never taught.

Dec 09, 2025

Dear friends,

Some of the hardest moments in relationships don’t come from the big crises.
They come from the small, daily hurts we’re never taught how to handle.

That’s why this week’s conversation felt so vital.

I spoke with psychologist and author Dr. Susan Campbell about what she calls the “normal pains” of adult relationships—those moments of frustration, rejection, or misunderstanding that most of us take as a sign that something is wrong with us, or wrong with the relationship.

Susan offers a very different view:

It’s supposed to hurt sometimes.
The question is not “How do I avoid pain?”
It’s “What do I do when pain shows up?”

One idea that stayed with me was her concept of inconvenient pain—the discomfort we feel when our needs don’t match, when old wounds are touched, or when we fear we’re “too much” or “not enough.” Instead of running from those moments, Susan invites us to pause, breathe, and get curious.

We talked about:

how childhood wounds get triggered in our closest relationships
why we so quickly slip into blame, withdrawal, or control
the power of the pause—stepping back before we say something we can’t take back
and how conscious breathing and self-compassion can turn conflict into a doorway for growth

If you’ve ever thought, “Why does this keep happening to us?” or “Are we broken because this hurts?” I think this conversation will offer both relief and practical tools.

Golden light,
Dr. Richard L. Miller

Links & Resources:

Dr. Susan Campbell’s Website
Dr. Susan Campbell’s Substack

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