I'm live in 5. Introducing 5 Questions with Dr. Miller.
Join me for our new weekly feature - exclusive Q&A sessions turned into in-depth columns for paid subscribers.
Dear friends,
Starting this month, I'm introducing a special feature for our paid subscribers: “5 Questions with Dr. Miller.”
Each week, I host Instagram Live sessions where followers from around the world ask questions about mental health, relationships, life transitions, and personal growth. From these conversations, I select the five most meaningful exchanges and craft them into a detailed written column—something you can return to, reflect on, and share. Starting next week, each week's column will be a weekly benefit for paid members.
Why Now?
Many of you have requested more in-depth responses than my 90-second videos allow. This column format lets me provide the nuanced, thoughtful answers these important questions deserve.
This Week's Preview
Today's newsletter includes our first “5 Questions” column as my gift to all subscribers. You'll find powerful exchanges about betrayal, healing from trauma, making amends after addiction, and breaking free from the past. Future columns will be exclusive to paid subscribers.
Join us for Instagram Live right now – 5 PM PT / 8 PM ET – at @drrichardlouismiller. Your question might be featured in next week's column.
With golden light,
Dr. Richard Louis Miller
🎉 200K Strong and Growing!
This week we hit 200,000 followers on Instagram.
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Five Essential Questions About Healing, Trauma, and Living in the Present
From my recent Instagram Live session with followers from around the world
1. "Do you think betrayal is the worst sin? And if so, do we have to betray to look into our shadow?"
This question touches something deep in all of us. I must say, I'm not sure I believe in sins to begin with—it sounds very moralistic and religious. I do believe in right and wrong, but I don't quite relate to the word "sinning."
But do I think betrayal is a brutal thing to do to another person? Yes, I think it's brutal. It causes tremendous pain. So often in our lives, betrayal has to do with love—where somebody cheats, where two people have a deal for monogamy, and one person goes outside of that deal without telling the other. That's betrayal. In finance, it's when you make a deal with a partner and then go behind their back and cheat or do something outside of the agreement.
Here's what I know: it's low consciousness, folks. It's not something you want to do to people you like and love. It makes you a person who has betrayed somebody, and that stays with you. You don't need to betray someone to understand betrayal. You can go inside, close your eyes, wrap your consciousness around what betrayal would feel like if someone did it to you. Then you can understand what it would be like to betray another person.
2. "How does someone recover from past trauma, criticism, and being treated poorly by parents and men?"
This is a really great question, and I hear the pain behind it. When you have that kind of trauma—being treated poorly by your parents, and if you're a woman being treated poorly by men—you have a lot of pain inside. The first thing is to acknowledge it: you want to feel the pain.
You either want to feel it alone or with a trusted friend. What you don't want to do is make believe you're not in pain, because you are. Allow that pain to express itself in the privacy of your home or with someone you trust. Some people do this with therapists, some with tribal elders.
The important thing is to let yourself feel the feelings. These are human feelings. Feeling the pain of trauma will not kill you. It will feel painful, but then you can express it. You can cry, yell out, scream, bang your fists on the desk in the privacy of your home. This is a huge step toward healing trauma.
Too often, we are traumatized and then we hide it, or we stuff the trauma into a compartment in our consciousness and don't deal with it. It's always there lurking, creating bad feelings inside. So identify it: "Yes, I'm traumatized. Yes, I've been criticized by my parents." Close your eyes and picture some of those moments. Feel it and express it as the very first step.
The next step is to calm yourself while you're feeling it. That's where conscious breathing comes in—breathing from your abdomen, which I describe in detail in my book. This combination of identifying, expressing, and calming will have a very significant effect on your trauma.
3. "I wanna reach out to my ex. I was addicted to drugs and cheated on her. I had many personal problems. Two years later, I am clean and doing better. Should I contact her to apologize, or would that be selfish?"
This is complicated. You did something you're not proud of, the relationship broke up, and now you'd like to make amends. The real question is: are you going to be burdening that person you hurt by coming back with your apology? The very act of making contact may simply be painful for them.
On the other hand, if they're in a good place and you approach very softly, they may be able to forgive you and listen to your amends. But you must be very careful. Make sure you don't have some hidden agenda that you're going to put on this person—that would just add insult to injury.
Think it over. Take your time. It's been two years; there's no rush to make a decision. If you do go to the person, go as clean as you can. Be pure of heart. Say you're sorry, acknowledge your mistakes, and let it be at that. Don't bring sticky stuff that goes with it. That wouldn't be very nice.
4. "I'm married to a covert narcissist for 45 years. I'm 65, finally divorcing him. Any tips for healing?"
Yes, I have one big tip: Be good to yourself. Put together a plan of recovery starting with a dedicated period of time—a vacation of sorts. Take two weeks to do nothing but heal. Be nice to yourself: exercise, sleep, rest, read the books you've wanted to read, get massaged if you can afford it, go to a sauna, sit in hot water—which is an ancient cure called balneology that relaxes the muscles.
Make a plan with lots of healing activities and do them all in this first two-week period. Then follow up with things you do weekly to take good care of yourself. If you're really divorced, then let go. Do not try to fix it anymore, and do not try to fix that person anymore. It's time to move on with your life.
The best way to move on is to rejuvenate yourself. That's why I suggest this two-week period as a starting point for your ongoing recovery. After 45 years, I don't expect you'll recover in two weeks, but you can make a real nice start and continue in the weeks that follow.
5. "How do I stop living in the past?"
The past is the past. We can't remake it. I can't remake my past—I've had things happen that I wish I could change. Many of you know I was run over by a Winnebago and my legs were crushed. I wish I could remake that, but I can't, so there's no point spending time on it.
The past is a dustbin. The only value of the past is when we can look at it and use it to do something better, more effective, more loving, more graceful. If we can use the past to learn about our future behavior, that's valuable. But otherwise, forget about it. Let it go.
The same goes for the future. People try to predict it, but you can't. What many do is predict negative futures—what I call catastrophic thinking: "I'm going to lose money, lose my health, lose my marriage." Making ourselves feel bad now by telling ourselves something bad will happen later.
Here's the truth: the past and future don't really exist. They're myths. The only thing that exists is the present moment. If you're reading this now, that is your entire life. If right now you are safe, sheltered, have food, breathable air, no bombs falling—then you are safe. Keep reminding yourself: you are safe in this moment. That is where we truly live.
Join us for the next Instagram Live every Thursday at @drrichardlouismiller. Your question might be featured in next month's column.
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Dr. Richard Miller's Mind Body Health & Politics podcast features weekly conversations with researchers, authors, and pioneers working at the frontiers of human consciousness and healing. All episodes from the past 20 years are available free in the archives.